Maybe it's time to talk about why I am really here...
Funny, that I titled my blog and gave it a paragraph description about something I haven't yet posted about. It may take more than one post to cover it all...
I should start from the beginning, but instead I will start from the end, or the current state, or whatever you want to call it.
So we're waiting. I guess that is all we've done for years is wait. But here I sit, waiting. We're on the books. That is what those in the adoption community call it when the paperwork is complete/approved and you are waiting to be matched with a child. For us, we went with a domestic, newborn program at an adoption agency in our state. We made it on the books in September, 2004 (so that makes our official wait time at about 4 months). The paperwork and homestudy weren't so bad.
All that pains me is the time. Time we wasted with doctors, specialists, nurses, lab technicians, more doctors. I guess the time and the unknown is what really pains me. The unknown of a sketchy IF diagnosis, unknown of when or whether things will all work out in the end. Now, everyone says "don't worry, it's just a matter of time (not if, but when)". Ugh! I hate that almost as I hated hearing "just relax it will happen".
IF was a huge shock to us. We started TTC over 3 years ago... After a year, we went to the dr. Just like all the textbooks say. We did a few cycles on Clomid (though I was ovulating just fine), and then were referred to a specialist. Spent 6 months testing with the RE. Diagnosis, slight male factor.
The RE began the treatments. We started with 1 natural IUI, then 1 clomid IUI, then 1 injectible IUI, then 1 IVF/ICSI converted to IUI due to poor response, then 2nd IVF/ICSI, then 1 FET, and then the realization that nothing may ever work hit us. This was 3 years worth of shots, crying, pain, tests, poking, prodding, insanity, you name it. It drove my husband and I apart. It brought us together. The same with family and friends. And the secrets, the lying, the explaining, the justifying, the abomination of it all.
And last but not least, the waiting. Wait to test, wait for AF, wait for the bloodwork, wait till you have the money (self-pay is an awful way to suffer thru IF), wait till you have the time, wait till you can emotionally handle another cycle, wait till you can't wait anymore.
The rest is to be continued...
I should start from the beginning, but instead I will start from the end, or the current state, or whatever you want to call it.
So we're waiting. I guess that is all we've done for years is wait. But here I sit, waiting. We're on the books. That is what those in the adoption community call it when the paperwork is complete/approved and you are waiting to be matched with a child. For us, we went with a domestic, newborn program at an adoption agency in our state. We made it on the books in September, 2004 (so that makes our official wait time at about 4 months). The paperwork and homestudy weren't so bad.
All that pains me is the time. Time we wasted with doctors, specialists, nurses, lab technicians, more doctors. I guess the time and the unknown is what really pains me. The unknown of a sketchy IF diagnosis, unknown of when or whether things will all work out in the end. Now, everyone says "don't worry, it's just a matter of time (not if, but when)". Ugh! I hate that almost as I hated hearing "just relax it will happen".
IF was a huge shock to us. We started TTC over 3 years ago... After a year, we went to the dr. Just like all the textbooks say. We did a few cycles on Clomid (though I was ovulating just fine), and then were referred to a specialist. Spent 6 months testing with the RE. Diagnosis, slight male factor.
The RE began the treatments. We started with 1 natural IUI, then 1 clomid IUI, then 1 injectible IUI, then 1 IVF/ICSI converted to IUI due to poor response, then 2nd IVF/ICSI, then 1 FET, and then the realization that nothing may ever work hit us. This was 3 years worth of shots, crying, pain, tests, poking, prodding, insanity, you name it. It drove my husband and I apart. It brought us together. The same with family and friends. And the secrets, the lying, the explaining, the justifying, the abomination of it all.
And last but not least, the waiting. Wait to test, wait for AF, wait for the bloodwork, wait till you have the money (self-pay is an awful way to suffer thru IF), wait till you have the time, wait till you can emotionally handle another cycle, wait till you can't wait anymore.
The rest is to be continued...
posted by Nicole VA @ 8:25 PM
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