All I ever wanted was acknowledgement

I had a minor meltdown last night. Between not being challenged and engaged in my 'real' job, to the slow start with getting my real estate career going, waiting for the damned phone to ring about the adoption, and other minor daily annoyances; some days I just can't take it.

Last night was one of those times. My brain starts spinning, I can't focus on any one thing, I start thinking of only the negatives, etc. And usually when that happens I get a quick glance from the hubby, maybe an I'm sorry and then he is off doing his own thing. He has never really been skilled at how to console others, especially me. And I have known that since I first met him. But sometimes, I just want acknowledgement. That is validation of my feelings and I think it would also help me to get through the rough patches that much more quickly.

So not only did hubby acknowledge my feelings last night, he listened. No interrupting, no stupid comments or suggestions, just plain old listened. Like he understood. Frankly I don't care if he was thinking about the ball game on TV and just nodding his head and saying the right things. Whatever he did, I liked it. And I want to see more of it.

The other revelation from last night stemmed from us watching a few minutes of Silence of the Lambs. There is a part where Hannibal is being transferred to a minimum security facility by way of a Senator who needs help finding her daugther. They actually left a line out (since it was being broadcast on a normal station). It was something about breastfeeding her daugher and if she were to die you would still be able to feel her, like an amputee with their missing appendage. So I say to DH that I really wanted to be able to breastfeed and now that option is gone for me (I know it's possible for adoptive mothers to bf, but its not easy and hard to do when there is no timeframe with the placement). And you know what he said...

'I know, I'm so sorry, it's my fault'.

And the angel's sang and played their harps, lol. I don't blame dh for our IF woes. I really don't. But through all the years of treatments since we were totally male factor, he never once acted as though he understood the ramifications, he questioned every treatment, test and the RE's but himself, he wouldn't take the vitamins as prescribed by the urologist. But last night, he finally was able to verbalize what was the scientific truth.

Before you think I am a horrible person, let me tell you that my response to that was that no, it is not your fault. Once we used IVF/ICSI it was no longer a MF issue. We still couldn't make it happen. So there must have been other factors at play. We don't know what they were, and we may never know, but it wasn't his fault. I just needed him to acknowledge that it could have been. And that it wasn't all on my shoulders any more.