Monster in law

And no, I am not referring to the new movie out at the theaters by the same name. No, I am referring to the wack job that DH calls mom. Look, his parents are quirky and neurotic but I have always kinda liked them. I have noticed that since her youngest son (dh's brother) left home a few years ago she is having a serious case of empty nest syndrome. The brother was up her arse all the time, so I knew it would be hard on her.

There has always been a level of uncomfortableness (if that is even a word) when we are around his parents. We live very different lives than them, so there isn't always a whole lot to talk about. But after all the years of trying, going out of my way, initiating calls and visits, showering them with gifts at holidays, his wacko Mom goes over the deep end. I had forewarned dh of this, but he refused to listen.

Until he got the call last night. I came upstairs from my workout to hear dh on the cell phone saying a lot of things like, ''she didn't say that", "that is not what happened", "that is not what she meant"... You get the idea. I knew the conversation was about me and it only took about a nanosecond to figure out who was on the other end of the line.

From what I overheard, gathered and was told by DH after the fact, here are my crimes (punishable by death no doubt):

1. He didn't actually talk to her on mother's day (although he called twice and left a message). And the reason he must not have called was because I had taken the phone hostage and told him he couldn't call his mother.
2. My name was not included on the mother's day card this year (which I told dh to include, but he forgot). The psycho pulled out last year's and compared them.
3. Not coming to visit with dh the past few times. She insisted that my real estate exam could not have occurred on a Saturday and that it was all an elaborate set of lies conceived just so I didn't have to come visit.
4. Not having the same relationship with her that she had with her MIL. Of course the fact that they lived down the street from each other (instead of 3 hours apart) and they didn't work outside the home and had similar upbringing couldn't have anything to do with it, right?
5. Not thanking her for some ridiculous puzzle that she got for dh and I. She put it together and gave it to us for easter (it was in the theme of the nursery). I admit that I probably should have thanked her but I didn't go out of my way to do it and neither did dh for that matter. My only other response to this is that we bought them a home computer with the works a couple of christmas's ago and they didn't have room for it so they threw it out (and didn't thank us either). They had asked for the damn thing.

Now how effing awkward is it going to be to visit. Eff her. I mean it. Anybody want a peanut?